Dear Judah

As I roll over in the early morning hours, with your little crocheted blanket that was wrapped around your tiny body tucked close to me, I look at your Daddy. In the dark shadows of his face, I can actually see your face, and behind him I see your stuffed animal sitting on his nightstand (he says it brings him comfort). You looked so much like your Daddy; you had his nose and his curled lips. I bet you would have even had his green eyes. 
Our first morning after sleeping at home, I was half asleep and that was the first time I saw your face when looking at your Daddy’s. I reached over and placed my hand on his face thinking it was you and was quickly brought to reality when I felt his beard. I lay there and cried as I kept rubbing his face, only to have him wake up crying as well. We then just held each other close and cried as we talked about how much we already missed you.
We missed you the moment the nurse told us you went on to Heaven.

The morning you were born came so quickly. I had been in the hospital for 13 days lying flat, with your little legs already outside of the cervix, in the vaginal canal, but by the time you came on that Tuesday morning, I had already been bleeding since the Thursday before. That Sunday, January 1st, was when I really began bleeding even more and by that evening I had began contracting and they had found that now your little tummy was through the cervix. I laid there crying and apologizing to you, telling you how sorry I was that I, your Mom, was supposed to protect you and keep you alive and my body wasn’t doing it. I told you over and over how much I loved you, and every time I told you, you would hit me back. I just believe that was you telling me that you loved me too. All night long I contracted so I was given an epidural which brought on a very scary situation, and then labor stopped.

Monday, we rested as best as we could and I savored every kick, punch and heartbeat check they did. All through the night I continued to have issues with my blood pressure dropping.  Since nothing had happened all day Monday, your Dad decided to go to work Tuesday morning. Not long after he left, the nurse called the Doctor in to check me since my blood pressure was so irregular. That’s when she told us the words we did not want to hear: you were coming. She told me to begin pushing and frantically we tried calling your Daddy. After a few pushes I finally asked her if we could wait, that your Dad was only 10 minutes away, and she let me wait. Your Grandma and Grandpa Ritthaler were there and your Auntie Leah was on her way, as she was assigned to be our photographer, but had left a little bit earlier to go home to feed her babies (Oscar and her fishies).
Once your Daddy got there, they called the Doctor in and I began to push again. I had such anxiety over seeing you. I was terrified of how small you’d be and I didn’t want to hear you cry. I didn’t want you to suffer in the few moments that we knew you would be alive. I pushed about three or four times and you entered our world, bottom first! You made two little noises and I lost it. Your Daddy says that to this day he has never been as heartbroken as when he heard me cry, “My baby, my baby, please don’t cry!” 

They quickly cut your cord and took you to the side to wipe you down and wrap you in a blanket so we could spend as much time with you alive, as we could. The moment they placed you in my hands, we all burst into tears. For one, we were amazed at how big you were and two, we could not get over how perfectly beautiful you were.

 

You were still too early for your eyes to be open, but they already had long blonde eyelashes. You had fine blonde hair on your sweet little bruised head; bruised from being stuck up in the cervix while the rest of your body had come out. Your sweet little legs were also bruised for the same reason-being stuck outside of the cervix for so long. Because your legs were stuck for so long, your long little middle toes had twisted around each other and at first we thought you had four toes on each foot. Even then, you were still perfect to us. Later, after closely examining your sweet little body, we realized that your toes were just twisted around each other and that you had my feet, with all five toes! :) All of us, including the nurses, could not get over how long your sweet toes and fingers were! You had the longest thumbs I’ve ever seen and the tiniest nails. Your nose was perfectly formed, along with your cute pointed chin and your Daddy’s curled lips. Little blonde hairs covered your arms. We were so pleasantly surprised to have a blonde baby, because they’re rare! Your Daddy had red and I had black when we were born, so we were expecting one of those two colors. Who knows, if you would have baked a little longer, maybe it would have changed, but since seeing you, we have prayed for another blonde baby. :)

As we all took turns holding you, you would wrinkle your face, open your mouth and swing your strong little arms that I had just watched hit me from the inside on the sonogram two days before. We told you that we loved you a billion times each. We kissed you and snuggled you and took hundreds of pictures and videos that we look at a million times a day, and then we told you we loved you again. 

Your uncles Jesse and Sam came shortly after you were born and then you also face-timed with your uncle Josh, aunt Jackie and Grandma Bell. 

 

 

There are volunteers that make preemie hats and blankets that the nurses brought to you. We tried about five or six hats on you before we found a couple that fit. We kept saying how cute you were as we kept passing you around. We just couldn’t get over how perfect you were, how much you already looked like us and how much we loved you. The peace of God, that you now experience fully and completely, was so full in that hospital room. It was such a peaceful, blessed time that we are so thankful for. We are so thankful that the Prince of Peace was so present and loving on us so hard as we loved you into eternity. 

 

 

 

 

 

After you passed, we got to enjoy all of the routines that they do for living babies.
They weighed you (1lb 5 ½ oz), measured you (12 ½ inches), and did prints of your hands and feet. They had to do it several times because your fingers and toes were so long that it was hard for them to get good prints. We got a good laugh out of it. :) We got to bathe you, put a tiny diaper on you and even put your hand and footprints in a clay ornament as a keepsake. You were then wrapped up tightly and handed back to us for us to enjoy and love on for however long we wanted. 

Some very special people came to see you later in the day: Pastor Lawson, Curtis and Lorie, Emily, Justin and Lauren, Ben and your cousins Tim and Kristine. They also loved you so much, as well as those who couldn’t make it, but sent and have been sending their love.

Later that night, a volunteer professional photographer who works with a group called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep, came and took professional family & individual photos as a gift. What a precious gift! It was a difficult 30 minutes as we watched her set you up with props, with us, and with family members, but we look forward to getting those pictures and are so thankful for those memories captured!

We said our final goodbyes at about 10:30pm. Your Grandma Ritthaler and Auntie Leah stayed with us in the hospital and I think we all probably cried ourselves to sleep that night. 

The next morning your sweet Daddy had to call and set up funeral arrangements and we had to fill out a birth and death certificate. We were so thankful for the strength of the Father and the support from your Grandma and Grandpa Ritthaler as we had to set all of that up.

“Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning.” Psalm 30:5b

The morning after you were born was the first time in two weeks that I was able to get out of bed and shower. It amazed us at how much one’s muscles weaken over just two weeks of no movement, but after just two days, I was able to walk on my own again. Once I overcame that hurdle, then my milk came in. For ten days I had that painful reminder, not only physically, but emotionally as well. Every time my milk came down, every time they ached and hurt, every time I put on ice packs and took pain meds, I cried. I cried because it was food meant for you and you weren’t here to take it.
Right in the middle of all of it though, we were given some information that I think really helped your Daddy and I begin to heal. Someone had told us about a lady who had been to Heaven and wrote about her experience in the nurseriesthere. Since then, we have had five more confirmations: one from another woman who had been to Heaven about 100 years before, and four others from things God has spoken to them. It has brought such peace to our healing hearts! We are so excited to see you again someday!

We are ready to meet your siblings. At first, I was afraid, because I really just wanted a way to get you back, but I know that’s no longer possible in this life.
 Then I was afraid that I wouldn’t love them as much as I love you, or that I wouldn’t think they were as cute as you were, but everyone with kids has told me that’s a normal feeling anytime you’re going to have another child. :)
Your siblings will know you well. You have made too much of an impact on our lives for them not to. You have changed how we look at the world and we see that things are not as big of a deal as they once were.
This situation was not God’s will or plan; He didn’t need another angel or want to be with you more than we did, but He has been turning what was meant to hurt us, to good. He is the Restorer and has been restoring our hearts daily, and will restore what was stolen from us.

This process has brought me and your Daddy to a whole new level in our marriage and spiritually, which are connected anyway. Each day we get stronger. Each day you become more of a happy memory than one that was more filled with sadness because of the lack of your presence. We have reminders of you everywhere and it brings us peace. We can’t wait to hold you again sweet Judah boy!

With love more than we ever knew possible,
Mommy and Daddy